Week 14: Pray for the Cynics

 Dear 61ish people out there,

Alma 46:8 "Thus we see how quick the children of men do forget the Lord their God, yea, how quick to do iniquity, and to be led away by the evil one."

Isaiah 55:8-9. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

This week has been really really weird. Like, everything that we've done has been sort of... off. But maybe that's just how things are here in Chile, because every day in Chile is just a little bit weird. It's been a good week, but a weird one.

We had a baptism this week of a little girl. She's 9-years-old. I got to baptize her. Normally when people talk about baptizing someone they say it was a really spiritual experience. But, honestly, I didn't feel a ton while doing it, it was just sort of stressful. We've been working so hard to get this girl into the water and so many things were constantly going wrong with it. Right after she got into the water she started getting out again because she forgot to go to the bathroom. It was just a weird experience for me. I hope and assume that it was good for her, but I don't really want to ask. And even if I did, I'm not sure if she'd be honest with me. People don't really like to be honest with the missionaries. Everyone is either busy or has "seen the face of God" or believes in the Bible but doesn't want to learn about Jesus Christ.

Maybe it's just my cynicism talking, and maybe I'm just tired, but I always feel a little bit weird when people get up in testimony meeting, share what seems to be a really amazing experience, and then sit down. I can't help but wonder why they're saying what they are. I can't help but wonder why I can't remember experiences similar to that. I know I've had them- I think I've had them in the very least. I have a journal and a weekly letter full of them. So why can't I always  remember my miracles when I need to? Why do I so often feel a little unhappy, when I'm trying to do everything I can to follow God and follow the commandments? How can I tell which of my thoughts are my own, and which are from God?

All of these good questions, I'd say. Complex questions, the sorts of questions that you would- and I have- written books about. They're the sorts of things that often drive me crazy for hours and hours on end. Knots in my head.

Because I tend to be a cynical person. And when things happen, when things don't go well, I can't but help asking why. And I can't help but feeling like I want and deserve an answer. But... that's not really how God works. Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes that reason is more mundane than we'd like to imagine. Sometimes God doesn't want to give us answers, because we shouldn't need to have an answer for every little thing that happens. But I'm a cynic, and not knowing those things, not having an overwhelmingly powerful experience with the Spirit, is hard for me. But faith is not a perfect knowledge of things (Ether 12:6), faith is learning to act before we know the consequences of our actions. Faith is to trust that God has a plan, and hands too large for us to see with our gaze limited as it is.

This was kind of a weird letter, I know. But I'd like to extend an invitation. Pray for the cynics, in general. Cynics get a bad rap from religion- people assume that they're bad people just because they (oftentimes) don't have a lot of faith in God- with some obvious exceptions. And that's not the right attitude to have. Because cynics- my friends- are just people who have never been shown the hand of God in their right way. They're people who trust in themselves more than in those around them. But, more importantly, they're people who are trying. With the limited information they have, with the limited hope and will and strength and faith they have, they're trying. They want to find the truth, but haven't ever been shown it in an effective way, oftentimes.

And I love cynics, I love them so much. Because they want to be happy, they want truth. But they know not where to find it, even if it's right in front of them. They're the ones who need to see the Lord's hands the most, in the small and simple things in their lives (Alma 36:6-7). Because that's what's going to help them, small and simple things. Small and simple acts of kindness and love.
So pray for the cynics, and love them. Because they can't feel God's love sometime, and they need help. I'm out here because of my friends and my family, who have proven to me that God exists. Not because they've spoken with the tongue of angels or parted the Red Sea, but because, whenever my heart is depressed and I ask God for help, one of them talks to me. And they remind me that there really is someone out there looking out for me.
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Thanks this week to:

My Grandparents, who I know have prayed for me every day of my life. That's 7534 days of someone taking time out of their day to remember me and that's amazing.

Abbey Simmons, who gets cynicism.

Ximena Franco, who is kind, and loving, and trying.
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Elder Brayden H. Monson