Week 5: Do you think you can just forget?

Dear world in a current time, not so far away (that was a Star Wars reference, just not a particularly eloquent one),

Alma 37:6 "Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise."

Anyone who's had a conversation with me that's lasted more than 10 minutes has probably picked up on something about me. It's an important detail, a fact about myself: I am a cynic. More than that, I'm one of the most cynical people I know. I can't go through a single sacrament meeting without methodically picking apart talks in my head. I can't go through a single conversation without feeling the need to question the motive behind everything the other person is saying. Even my prayers are often riddled with ever spiraling arguments, my subconscious trying to work out whether I'm talking to God, or just telling myself a story.

Yet the past 3 letters that I've written have been centered around the ideas of hope and faith. Two concepts which- in many people's eyes- are blatant contradictions to the doubt inherent in my life. And I'm writing this letter to explain- to myself and to anyone who'd like to hear- why it is that I can give away two years of my life to the object of my mind's criticisms and questions, constant as they are. Ultimately, I'm writing this letter to explain how the proof of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is found in everyday life, how Heavenly Father has proven himself to me time and time again.

"Do you think you can just forget?"

This line has been with me continually throughout the past 8 weeks, always in the corners of my brain, ready to be found whenever I need it, like a warm memory that comes to you in the midst of a cold and bitter night. It's not a scripture, it's from a TV show I watched shortly before leaving, but Heavenly Father has that line made it scripture for me and me alone. Because every time I doubt, every moment that my cynicism takes over, I remember that I cannot forget the Lord, the miracles He does for me each day. Because every prayer I say, every miracle I ask for, if it be right, is granted unto me. As it says in 3 Nephi 18:20, "And ^awhatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you."

Do you know the story of Korihor in Alma chapter 30? He went about preaching half-truth and perverting the ways of the Lord and he used his gifts and his intelligence and his cunning to persuade many people to disbelieve in the truths that the people knew. His arguments are convincing, they're many of the same things that Satan has whispered in my ear. They contain half-truths. Korihor was a man who used his intelligence to confound the ways of the Lord, and that was why they had to bring him before Alma, so that he could be questioned. And you know what he said? Do you want to know what he said?  When pushed, he admitted that he knew God was real. Because in the face of the lies of the devil, in the face of misused intelligence and of a tongue tainted by the stain of evil, Alma asked a simple question in verse 39: "Will ye deny again that there is a God, and also deny the Christ? For behold, I say unto you, I know there is a God, and also that Christ shall come." Korihor knew that Jesus is the Christ. He also knew that God had proven His existence unto his children more times than any man- divine or no- can count. But he chose to turn away from the Lord, after having received a testimony of Him. He committed the greatest sin a man can- as specified in Alma 39:6. I don't know why he did what he did, but I think I have an idea. I think Korihor felt, as so many do, that his life would be made easier if he hadn't a knowledge of truth, if the responsibilities of being a disciple of Jesus Christ were taken away from him. So he lied; not only to the population, but to himself. But he could never lie to himself so thoroughly as to extinguish his testimony, no matter how much he wanted to.

And neither can we. Because God will never let us forget the truth once we've received it. He will never turn away from us, no matter how much we turn away from Him. As Joseph Smith said in reference to the first vision, "For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; "

So, Brothers and Sisters, I ask you, "Do you think you can just forget?" Because I can't. Because I have a Dad who, like Alma, can rightfully say that, "Notwithstanding the many labors which I have performed in the church, I have never received so much as even one senine for my labor; neither has any of my brethren, save it were in the judgment-seat; and then we have received only according to law for our time.

And now, if we do not receive anything for our labors in the church, what doth it profit us to labor in the church save it were to declare the truth, that we may have rejoicings in the joy of our brethren?" And because I have a Mom who takes every opportunity she has to testify to me of the truthfulness of the gospel, even when I don't want to hear it.

So no, I don't think I can "just forget," because when you've seen the hand of the Lord in your life, you can never forget. Because I'm a cynic, more than that I believe I am an incredibly intelligent person. And I don't have the answers I need to quell the doubts in my mind. But whenever I fear that Heavenly Father isn't listening, whenever I fear that I'm just telling myself a story, whenever the waves of my depression threaten to push me back down into the sea of ignorance and regret, I ask myself a question. "Do you think you can just forget?" And I can't. Because the Lord had done more for me that I can ever begin to comprehend. Korihor and I are- or were, at some point- very similar people. But at some point our paths differed and, where he chose to follow the pleasing words of the fallen- I chose to follow the everlasting joy of the Gospel. And that's the decision we all must make.

I suggest all of you go and read Alma 30, and read it in its entirety. Because it's remarkable the things which the Lord is willing to do to prove Himself unto the children of men.

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Here's a poem I wrote:

What lack I yet?-

How can I stay better in line-

I know I've things to perfect-

But they come with time-

And believe me, I'm tryin'-

What needs have I?-

What goals to set when my life feels so fraught?-

And my brain feels only its clots?-

When I'm willing to be taught-

When my life feels caught in a sigh-

Because every moment passes by-

In a flurry of dying thoughts-

Caught of what I haven't sought-

Give me a sign!-

Because I'm stuck in a bind-

Tired of falling behind, of slidin', of slippin', of never findin' my kind-

I want to take back what's mine, the help for my heart's pine-

A chance to dine on the words of the divine-

Instead of watchin' through the blinds waitin' for my time-

I want to preach!-

But I can't even teach when every bit of my speech-

Comes out in a squeak, a shriek, full of lies I can't keep-

I want to be meek, but my life was lookin' sleek with a streak for the unique-

And I'll ask again because answers are like oxygen and they are what I seek-

Make my will like unto a leek-

Because I lie here, still-

Reapin' what I sew only without a head to fill-

A head that isn't trill or run of the mill or ready to kill-

Everything that glows cause what I already know could never pay the bill to spill my soul's quills 'cause it's too busy with the hoe to reap what I rightfully know-

It's too busy stubbin' my own toe while runnin' to the hills-

To notice that my only remaining will is to lie here, to die here, just to be still-

So what lack I yet?-

Because believe me what I say, my soul's full of regret-

For the things I've done, and the stones I've set-

Because my hope's trapped in a net-

So I'll ask again-

What lack I yet?

(Hey, so, just to be clear... Not everything I write in my poems is true. Many of the things I write don't apply specifically to me and my life, but then many of them do. I'm not going to say which things in this poem are emotions I'm feeling, and which ones I only imagine someone feeling because that defeats the point of poetry. The point of poetry is not to tell people how I'm feeling, it's to express and emotion or an idea.

My point is that no one- unless they know me very very well, should read too deeply into my psyche when it comes to poetry. Not sure if I had to add this here, but I felt like I should.)

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People I'd like to thank this week:

My Seminary Teachers:

Sister Paccini, who taught me to never forget. And Brother Moutsos, who taught me in the first place. If either of you have their emails please send this letter to them. I know of no better way to express my gratitude to them than show that their efforts and struggles with me were not in vain. And I know that, whatever it is they're doing now, will be for the world's benefit.

To My Friend:

Hailey Hutchings, who never forgot me. And Matthew Hope, who I know never will.

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I leave the MTC this next week, so I don't know when I'll get to write again. But I know that it's time for me to go Onward, like the Christian Soldier that I am.

- Elder Brayden Monson

 Photos of the Mexico CCM