Week 1: Who the Lord Wants

Dear Whomever Reads this,

It's been a very emotionally taxing week.  A very emotionally taxing month and year. I would even go so far as to say it has been a very emotionally taxing life, but that's the story of everyone, isn't it? But my story is changing in ways that are somehow both predictable and unimaginable at the same time. I'm here now, at the CCM, watching as the world changes around me (was that a properly pretentious way to start this email off? I think so). The story of everyone is one of change. We're never the same person for more than a few seconds and- no matter how much we want the hands of time to stop and smell the flowers- life goes on. The day before I left on my mission all I wanted was the promise of time. I tried to stretch out every  moment and push back against time's hands, telling myself that I had more time than I did. I got my mission call over 120 days ago, 120 days to prepare, to convince myself that this was what I wanted to do, then to change my mind, then to change it back. But no matter what I did, I could never stop time's movement. And now I'm here, looking at a screen for the first time in what feels like a month, writing down whatever it is that comes to my mind. And it's good. Better than I expected, at least.

Life is change. It's what Heavenly Father wants for us- to change. The plan is far more complicated than that, of course, but it all boils down to change. Why do we need to repent? Because we need to change our habits and behaviors. Why do we need to learn the Gospel? So that we can know what it is that we need to change about ourselves to become more Christlike. Heavenly Father has asked me to change, and I can only hope that I'm up to the task. Even now my mission doesn't feel real to me. The CCM is like having Seminary 14 hours a day, then spending the rest of your night studying and fitfully trying to fall asleep while you stare up at the ceiling above, trying to find even a hint of silence in the chaos outside. Police sirens never seem to stop, dogs howl at the moon, I stay silent. Unable to fall asleep. Unable to remember what the heck I'm doing here.

Then I wake up. And the world is quiet, or as quiet as a house full of boys can be. Then I go to lessons. 14 hours of them. I remember why I'm here- to serve the Lord- and I'm

And- despite living in a world content with change- every day feels the same as the last. Every day I'm reminded why I'm here- to serve the Lord as best I can. I write in my journal. I study.

Rinse and repeat.

So I have this keychain. A 1-UP mushroom from the Super Mario series that my sister made for me. And it broke off on Sunday and rolled onto the floor. It's on my bed now, but it's not something I can carry with me.

The Lord wants something from me, and It's not just to serve a mission. The Lord wants me to change, though every day feels the same. And I lay in bed, fitfully holding on to what I can of my old life. And every day I'm reminded that my old life isn't something I can keep, not if I'm going to serve the Lord. My mission is- put simply- to baptize people into the church, and baptism is change. Baptism represents us leaving our old life behind to become disciples of Christ, to live worthily as best as we are able, to move onwards with determination and courage and faith in Jesus Christ so that we may become better, holier people. We don't always like the changes that we're asked to make, but we try anyway. We try because we love God and- more importantly- because He loves us.

The Lord wants me to change, to become a tool in His hands. And I'm still desperately holding onto the things that I've been because that's what I'm comfortable with. The natural man within me wants to take the Elder off of my name tag and replace it with something I understand: "Student," "Writer," "Friend," "Brother," "Flawed." and things along those lines. And it was hard, I hate the feeling of my personality being stripped away so I fight against it. And that was how the first few days of my mission went, a tug of war against the demands of the Universe's creator. And I was miserable. But then I read something by my dear brother Tyler, written in that characteristically chaotic handwriting of his. "Be yourself, the Lord wants YOU!" That was when I realized, Heavenly Father doesn't want to take me away from what I love, he wants to add to it. In the same way that I could be both a friend and a student at the same time, I can be an Elder and a flawed, imperfect human being.  That's who the Lord wants. He doesn't want Elder Monson, he wants Elder BRAYDEN Monson. Elder BRAYDEN HUNTER Monson, everything I've been, everything my family has been, and everything I've yet to become. Not a soldier who can't think for themselves, but a human being. Just like everyone else.

The first few days were hard, but things are looking up. That keychain I mentioned? It may not be on my backpack anymore, but I still have it. And, just like everything else that makes me me, it's waiting on my bed each night when the work is done. I didn't lose it, it wasn't taken away from me, it's just not something I need to worry about anymore.

Here's hoping that any of that made sense.

No pictures this week. I've been kind of busy.

Elder Brayden Hunter Monson

Elder Winn (not his companion), Elder Monson with Elder John Pingree
Tuesday November 12, 2019